Patriarch Kirill expresses condolences to the families and friends of those killed in the plane crash in Egypt
Russian passenger plane crashed in Egypt. Please pray!
There is none, death. There is life here and there!
A person has grief. The man has lost a loved one. What to say to him? The most common words that first come to mind are
Be strong!
Hold on!
Take heart!
My condolences!
Something to help?
Oh, what a horror ... Well, you hold on.
What else is there to say? There is nothing to console, we will not return the loss. Hold on friend! Further, it is also not clear what to do - whether to support this topic (what if a person is even more painful from continuing the conversation), or change it to a neutral one ...
These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the lost person life stopped and time stopped, but for the rest - life goes on, but how else? It is terrible to hear about our grief, but our life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with the loss, a desperate “Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?” 
The second group of valuable advice to the mourner is much worse than all these endless “hold on!”.
“You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!”
“Do you know how many infertile women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!”
“Yes, he finally got tired! How he suffered here, and that’s all - he doesn’t suffer anymore!
Can't be happy. This will be confirmed by everyone who buried their beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Matushka Adriana (Malysheva) passed away at 90. She was on the verge of death more than once, for the whole last year she was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to take her away as soon as possible. All her friends saw her not so often - a couple of times a year at best. Most have only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we were orphaned ... 
Death is not to be celebrated at all. Death is the most terrible and evil evil.
And Christ overcame it, but so far we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.
By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice in death - he wept when he heard about the death of Lazarus, and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.
And “death is a gain,” the apostle Paul said about himself, and not about others, “for ME life is Christ, and death is a gain.” 
You are strong!
How is he holding up!
How strong she is!
You are strong, you endure everything so courageously ...
If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry at the funeral, does not moan and does not kill himself, but is calm and smiles, he is not strong. He is still in the most intense phase of stress. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress passes, he feels a little better.
There is such an accurate description in Sokolov-Mitrich's report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:
“We were accompanied by several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance made them doubt their involvement in the tragedy: they smiled. And when we had to push a bus that had gone awry, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the Committee of Soldiers’ Mothers?” I asked. "No, we are relatives."
In the evening of the same day, I met with military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those who died on Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a heartbroken person is called "unconscious psychological defense." On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, having entered the cabin, was happy as a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly in an airplane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very ill.
- We are going to Ruzlev Sasha ... Senior midshipman ... 24 years old, second compartment, - after the word “compartment”, the women sobbed. - And this is his father, he lives here, also a submariner, sailed all his life. The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. Just don't ask him anything, please."
Are there those who hold on well and don't sink into this black and white world of grief? Don't know. But if a person “holds on”, then, most likely, he needs and will need spiritual and psychological support for a long time to come. All the hardest may be ahead. 
Orthodox arguments
Thank God you now have a guardian angel in heaven!
Your daughter is now an angel, cheers, she is in the Kingdom of Heaven!
Your wife is now closer to you than ever!
I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend's daughter. A colleague - a non-church one - was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who burned down from leukemia: “Imagine, she minted in such a plastic, hard voice - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a beautiful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day!"
Here the thing is that we, believers, really see that it is important not “when”, but “how”. We believe (and only by this we live) that sinless children and well-living adults will not lose the mercy of the Lord. That it is terrible to die without God, but nothing is terrible with God. But this is our, in a sense, theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing a loss can tell a lot of all that is theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. "Closer than ever" - it's not felt, especially at first. Therefore, here I want to say, “can you please, as usual, so that everything will be?”
In the months that have passed since the death of my husband, by the way, I have not heard these “Orthodox consolations” from any priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how hard, how difficult. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world has become black and white. What sorrow. I didn’t hear a single “finally your personal angel appeared”.
This, probably, can only be said by the person who has gone through grief. I was told how mother Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried two of the most beautiful sons in a year - Archpriest Theodore and Vladyka Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there." But only she could say that. 
Time heals?
Probably, over time, this wound with meat through the whole soul heals a little. I don't know yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is nearby, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone continues their own life - but how else? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. No. The first weeks are not the hardest. As a wise man who survived a loss told me, after forty days you only gradually understand what place the deceased occupied in your life and soul. After a month, it ceases to seem that you will wake up now and everything will be the same as before. It's just a business trip. You realize that you won’t come back here, that you won’t be here anymore.
It is at this time that support, presence, attention, and work are needed. And just someone who will listen to you.
It won't work to comfort. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the dead. And the Lord can comfort. 
Archpriest Alexy Uminsky very rightly said: “A person who is experiencing this moment and who really finds an answer from God, he becomes so smart and experienced that no one can give him any advice. He already knows everything. He does not need to say anything, he knows everything perfectly. Therefore, this person does not need advice. It is hard for those people who at such a moment do not want to listen to God and are looking for explanations, accusations, self-accusations. And then it's hard, because it's suicide. It is impossible to comfort a person who has not been comforted by God.
Of course, it is necessary to console, one must be near, it is very important at such a moment to be surrounded by people who love and hear. TO COMFORT A PERSON WHO HAS NOT ACCEPTED THE DIVINE COMFORT, NO ONE IS EVER SUCCESSFUL, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Read, by the way: About the will of God and the death of loved ones
And what to say?
In fact, it is not so important what to say to a person. What matters is whether you have experienced suffering or not.
The point is this. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.
Sympathy - we sympathize with a person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And we, in fact, cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is good here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this does not give us the right to say to the mother who buried her son: “I understand you.” If we do not have such experience, then your words for a person will most likely not have any meaning. Even if he listens to you out of politeness, the background will be the thought - “But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?”.
But empathy is when you sympathize with a person and KNOW what he is going through. A mother who has buried a child feels empathy, compassion for another mother who has buried a child, backed up by experience. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly - here is a living person who also experienced this. Which is bad, like me.
Therefore, it is very important to arrange a meeting for a person with those who can show empathy for him. Not an intentional meeting: “But Aunt Masha, she also lost her child!”. Unobtrusively. Gently tell that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many forums on the Internet to support people experiencing loss. There are fewer on the Runet, more on the English-speaking Internet - those who have survived or are experiencing gather there. Being with them will not ease the pain of loss, but will support.
The help of a good priest who has experience of loss or just a lot of life experience. The help of a psychologist, most likely, will also be needed.
Pray a lot for the dead and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. You can also offer the person himself to travel around the temples together in order to give magpies around and pray around, read the psalter. 
If you were familiar with the deceased - remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed... Actually, there are commemorations for that - to remember a person, to talk about him. “Do you remember, once we met at a bus stop, and you just returned from a honeymoon trip” ....
A lot, calmly and for a long time to listen. Not comforting. Not encouraging, not asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times over. Listen. Just help with housework, with children, with business. Talk about everyday topics. Be next to.
P.S. The author sincerely thanks everyone who prays, helps and who is nearby - there are no words to convey this gratitude, there are no words to describe all the help.
P.P.S. If you have experience of how grief or loss is experienced, write to us at [email protected] about it, we will add your tips, stories and help others at least a little.
Anna Danilova
In our society, people are often afraid to speak openly about death. For everyone, this is something frightening, something that is better not to mention, something not worth thinking about. Therefore, often the death of a loved one confounds his family and friends. Everyone is at a loss, what happened seems to be the most terrible event in life. It is at this moment that a caring and sympathetic friend should come to the rescue, who knows exactly how to support a person and how to survive the bitterness of loss.
How does a bereaved person feel?
Any grief associated with the death of a dear person is conventionally divided into several stages:
- state of shock, acute grief and stupor;
- stage of aggression and anger;
- stage of depression and awareness of the tragedy;
- adaptation stage.
The first thing a person experiences after the loss of a loved one is shock. Feelings of numbness, uselessness and hopelessness. The wife after the death of her husband, the relatives of the deceased child, the children who have lost their parents - they are all in a state of shock. It can last a day, or it can drag on for months. People do not believe in what happened, they are afraid of their own feelings and sensations. For everyone, this is an incredible pain that can either pass or turn into depression and a deep emotional wound. Many incorrectly believe that during this period it is better to leave a person alone with his sadness, to give him time so that he himself understands how to survive the bitterness of loss. But this is the most common mistake that relatives can make. What to do, how to support a person correctly?
First round of support
For the first few months, those who are experiencing the death of a loved one experience "loss syndrome" - a state of acute grief and shock. The sufferer refuses to believe in what happened, feels guilty before the deceased, is constantly lost in memories of a loved one. At this time, the physical symptoms of loss are acute: loss of appetite and sexual desire, slowness of all reactions, general lethargy. After the shock comes the time of numbness. At this time, it seems that the mourner has come to terms with his pain, realized the death of a dear person and took it for granted. But this is only an appearance. In fact, he is in a state of acute pain.
At this stage, the individual is in ignorance and does not realize the death of a loved one. The simplest thing that people around and friends can do is to constantly get in touch with him, give him a sense of being needed. Simple calls with questions about business and mood, conversations and meetings - these insignificant things play a big role in the fight against acute grief. The second thing that friends can help with is taking on some everyday moments. For example, if your friend has lost her husband, find out if she needs help around the house where masculine strength is needed. Help her carry heavy bags from the store or sort through some old things. She will feel needed, and you will have an extra reason to see and support her more often. Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings or come across as sentimental. Any complicity, be it psychological or domestic support, will help a person take a step towards a new life.
After the first steps towards accepting their loss, a person may feel the need to talk and remember the deceased, begin to look at his photographs, read letters. Do not deny him this, react with interest to every mention of the deceased. This is not a negative sign at all, but only the first attempts to get used to the tragedy.
Second round of support
The next reaction that can manifest itself in a person experiencing a tragedy is aggression. Sharp mood swings, causeless expression of anger and anger, resentment at everyone are possible. At this time, a person constantly wonders why exactly he is experiencing this pain, why exactly his beloved has left. The main mistake that can be made in such a situation is the expression of condolences in stereotyped phrases. This will not calm your friend in any way, perhaps you will only add fuel to the fire. Whether the deceased was a husband, child, friend or acquaintance - in his thoughts he remains the most special and irreplaceable, therefore the phrases “you will survive” or “everything will be fine” seem to be an insult to the memory of the deceased. It will be difficult for you to communicate and make contact with an aggressive person, but this is exactly what you can do. Just be there, let the sufferer throw out all the surging feelings, while trying not to dramatize yourself. Let everything focus at this moment on the emotions and experiences of a friend who has lost part of his life.
Third stage of support
This stage of awareness of grief seems rather gloomy and depressing, but it is he who signals that the individual begins to accept his loss, realizes that he will no longer be able to return someone dear and beloved.
The emotions that a person experiences at this stage are very similar to depression. Lethargy, depression, isolation. At this point, it's worth asking frankly what your friend expects from you. Someone wants to talk heart to heart, remember the deceased, tell some stories about him. Laugh and cry together, lend your shoulder, show full interest in the whole situation.
Someone needs a break. Go for a walk or to the cinema together, find a common hobby, take your friend's free time with something interesting that does not connect him with the deceased. Involve a person in some especially important matters that require his participation, so that there is no time left to give in to your misfortune.
There is a third type of people, these are those who want to be alone with themselves. If you are sure that this will help him, then leave him alone for a while, but be sure to show your support and understanding before that.
Fourth or final stage of support
This is a period of rehabilitation. Usually, it occurs a year after the tragedy. The man experienced all the feelings, accepted the pain and decided to start life without mourning. Now he needs communication, work and new emotions.
Invite him to parties and walks, tell him about all the interesting news. The main thing is to be natural. Do not behave with a person in a particularly polite and compliant way, so that he does not return to the tragedy in his memory. Make it clear that life has moved on and that your friend is an integral part of it all.
Common Mistakes
One of the serious mistakes that people make when trying to support a grieving person is the advice to change the situation, get rid of some things or photographs of the deceased, move away from the place that connected the deceased person and his loved one. The fact is that, according to experts, it is the first year that is of great importance in the correct acceptance of such a problem as the loss of a loved one. Holidays, vacations and all the holidays that used to connect the individual with the deceased pass. Do not rush him in making decisions, each of them in the first twelve months can be made under the influence of emotions and feelings. The minimum of what you can do to help a person out of this mourning is to give time to get used to the new environment, to adapt to the emerging rhythm of life without their loved one.
The second mistake is the fear of rejection of the grieving. Of course, help and support are needed, but do not let the person become dependent on you. This will be a heavy burden on your life and on the life of a friend. Remember the sense of proportion, that there is a line between your own and someone else's fate. Having made you the main support and hope, any subsequent refusal can be perceived as a betrayal. Do not be afraid to set conditional boundaries, this will help your friend survive the tragedy and remain a whole, independent and persistent person.
Should you offer professional help?
Alas, no one can escape death. At least once, but in everyone's life there will be situations related to the death of a close and dear person. You need to be sensitive and attentive when providing support. As you begin to support your friend in adversity, be prepared to take on a lot of responsibility. Sometimes a person does not accept his loss, but only tries to escape from it. Escape from real life can become a serious problem that will result in a nervous breakdown or depression. After that, it is very difficult to face the real situation, to realize your grief again.
It is you, from the outside, who must control all stages of accepting the problem in order to notice in time if something is out of control. Unfortunately, not everyone can sort out their feelings and emotions on their own. If a lot of time has passed, but your friend has not begun to accept his grief and get out of the state of mourning, if signs of impending depression begin to appear, then you should somehow delicately offer not only your help, but also the help of a specialist.
Be sensitive and attentive, because no one is immune from personal losses. Allow yourself and your loved one to be sentimental, cry and laugh together, do not be afraid of your own and other people's feelings. Grief is a natural reaction of people. Only support and attention from friends help to survive many tragedies, leaving in memory the brightest and most beautiful moments.
We all know how hard it is to be in a situation where you need to comfort someone, but there are no right words.
Fortunately, more often than not, people don't expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, with the help of such phrases: “I know that it’s very hard for you now”, “I’m sorry that it’s so hard for you.” So you will make it clear that you really see what a loved one is feeling now.
2. Confirm that you understand these feelings.
But be careful, do not draw all the attention to yourself, do not try to prove that you were even worse. Briefly mention that you have also been in a similar situation before, and ask more about the condition of the one you are comforting.
3. Help a loved one sort out the problem
Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, first he just needs to speak out. This is especially true for women.
So wait to offer solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting to sort out their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by talking about them to others. Answering your questions, the interlocutor can find some solutions himself, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and simply feel relieved.
Here are some phrases and questions that can be used in this case:
- Tell me what happened.
- Say what's bothering you.
- What led to this?
- Help me understand how you feel.
- What scares you the most?
At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word "why", they are too similar to condemnation and will only anger the interlocutor.
4. Do not minimize the suffering of the interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh
When we are faced with the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what seems trifling to ourselves can often upset others. So don't minimize the other person's suffering.
And if someone really worries about a trifle? Ask if there is any data that diverges from his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. Here it is very important to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, without this it may seem too aggressive.
5. Offer physical support if appropriate
Sometimes people do not want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.
Your actions should correspond to the usual behavior with this or that person. If you are not too close, it will be enough to put a hand on your shoulder or lightly hug. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.
Remember that you should not be too zealous when comforting: a partner may take this for flirting and be offended.
6. Suggest ways to solve the problem
If the person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your experiences, your interlocutor will feel relieved.
Ask if there is anything else you can do. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often it does, offer to go to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.
If your advice is needed, ask first if the other person has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is in a contentious situation. If the person you are comforting has a vague idea of what can be done in their position, help develop concrete steps. If he does not know what to do at all, offer your options.
If a person is sad not because of any particular event, but because he has, immediately proceed to a discussion of specific actions that can help. Or offer to do something like go for a walk together. Excessive thinking will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.
7. Promise to continue to support
At the end of the conversation, be sure to mention again that you understand how hard it is for a loved one now, and that you are ready to continue to support him in everything.
In the article you will learn:
Greetings readers.
Death is an unpleasant formality, but all candidates are accepted ©.
And what about those who remained on this side? And how can we help them? In this article, you will learn how to comfort a bereaved person. After all, it's not easy. Death can be unexpected or painful and therefore more acutely experienced.
Can you comfort someone who has lost a loved one?
In addition, the severity of the pain of loss depends on the relationship the person had with the deceased. If the relationship was good, then the process of "burning out", as psychologists call it, is easier, faster and normal.
If the relationship was bad, filled with quarrels, resentment, or understatement, then over time, violations may form, such as guilt. The grieving will suffer and suffer more, and therefore the loss will be so painful that it will leave psychological trauma.
Therefore, more than ever, the support of friends, family and colleagues is important. You will not be able to calm a person, but you can alleviate his condition with the right words and actions.
Stages of mourning
To make it more clear how to do this, I will tell you what happens to those who have lost their loved ones, starting from the moment they learn about death. This whole process takes place in different ways. Someone faster, someone slower, but on average about a year and is divided into periods:
1. Shock
2. Denial.
3. Awareness.
4. Mourning.
Shock
The shock begins with the news of death and lasts from a few minutes to several days. The main emotions experienced now are surprise and bewilderment. This is explained by the fact that the mind of a person who has lost a loved one is in a state of stupor and does not believe in what happened. Therefore, to help him and calm him down, follow these rules:
1. Don't make a fuss about trying to distract you by talking. Listen more. Speak when they start talking to you.
2. Tell the truth and inform well. For example, there are often such complaints: “Why don’t I feel anything right now? I loved her!" Explain that this is a normal reaction, because the consciousness at the moment does not accept an unpleasant event for it. Tell them that it will pass and then it will hurt. It is important to survive this pain, and then, over time, other feelings will come to replace it, for example, “bright sadness”.
3. What phrases should not be spoken now: “everything will pass”, “don’t worry”, “calm down”, “you will meet someone else”, “everything will work out”, etc. Since the mind denies the death of a loved one, your words will be offensive and incomprehensible. They will only cause a negative reaction.
Negation
Denial lasts up to 3-4 weeks. This is the phase when the human brain, not believing what is happening, is looking for the deceased. His steps are heard in the house, it seems that he is about to call or say something. Memories are often scrolled that it seems that he is alive and well. Faces similar to him flicker in the crowd ...
Right now, it's important to just stay close. Because, as a rule, by this time most sympathizers return to their normal lives. And the person is left alone with his grief. Therefore, the feeling of loneliness is now experienced most acutely.
Another important and significant point. In connection with death, many organizational issues arise, and it so happens that more persistent family members take on these chores. In fact, the one who is most worried should be involved as often as possible in solving these issues.
And that's why. First, active activity contributes to the process of awareness. And secondly, it becomes easier for a person because he is doing something for his loved one for the last time. Therefore, as much as possible, force them to deal with funerals, commemorations, arrangements for further affairs.
Awareness
Awareness that lasts up to 7 weeks. The psyche gradually becomes aware of what happened and accepts the fact of the event. This is the most important step and the most difficult. Important, because without it it is impossible to return to normal life. Difficult, because the pain and suffering, from the realization of what happened, become excruciating.
The person is in constant apathy, bad mood, tearfulness. The soul hurts and cries. But as psychologists say, you need to “burn out” your misfortune and loss. Otherwise, unexpressed emotions can sit deep and for a long time, cause mental disorders. Instead of healing, there will be feelings of guilt, anger or resentment.
Therefore, you can help calm down by continuing to be around. However, everyone's reactions are different and they can pull away from you, shut you down like in a shell, and can even become aggressive. Your task is not to climb into the soul, but to delicately and accurately support.
Say that you are there and will be as long as you need. If it is not possible to maintain physical contact, call as often as possible, carefully take an interest in business. If they answer you, then ask more questions.
Mourning
The final stage is mourning and adjustment to life without a deceased loved one or friend. Here, emotions gradually subside and turn into “bright sadness” or “quiet sadness”.
Some have a desire to talk more often about the deceased. This will especially happen on holidays and days when everyone was together and alive. Don't withdraw, but keep those conversations, memories, looking at pictures or things.
For a year, a person will live all the events alone, without a lost loved one, and he will become calmer, easier. Now is the time to support with words like “Hang on!”, “You can do it!”, “You are strong!”, “Everything will be fine”, etc.
Is it worth the change
In these difficult times, thoughts “whether to change the situation” may appear. For example, move to another place of residence or change position, get away from the usual. Doing this is not recommended. Gently explain that now is not the best time for this, that you need to prepare well and think everything over.
Keep from making a hasty decision, because now the consciousness is in an altered state and is not able to take adequate steps. Especially when it comes to such important events as the birth of another child or a new marriage.
When is it time to see a specialist
Whatever happens in a year and a half, while grief is lived, this is considered the norm. Depression, apathy, rage, anger, irritability and even active aggression. The difference in reactions is explained by differences in temperament, character, behavioral habits, values, etc.
There may be deterioration in work, in relationships with other people. It is not necessary during this period to rush and suggest that it is time to end suffering, you need to return to your old life. Everyone has a different timeframe.
However, if such changes persist for more than two years, then there are psycho-emotional disorders, and in this case, I recommend contacting a professional psychologist or psychotherapist.
The lives of 64 people. Of these, 41 children. Perhaps, in the history of Russia, this is one of the few events when parents lost so many children.
Olga Makarova
About how to properly support a person experiencing such grief, what not to do and say, she told Olga Makarova, clinical psychologist and former head of the emergency response department of the Center for Emergency Psychological Assistance of the Russian Emergencies Ministry from 2005 to 2015. She worked on more than 50 tragedies both in Russia and abroad: air crashes, mine accidents and earthquakes.
Is it appropriate to say to a person whose child has died, "hold on"?
- It is not very correct to say some general phrases, platitudes behind which we hide. We feel awkward, confused, do not understand how to behave with a person who has grief. We are very traumatized by this situation. When it comes to death, we ourselves are not very ready for this conversation. From this confusion and even from some kind of fear, people hide behind banal phrases: “everything will be fine”, “well, don’t be upset”, “well, you hold on”, “God takes the best”, “you still have everything in your life will be "... At such a moment, these phrases to a person, rather, say that his feelings do not accept, that his grief is devalued. What does "hold on" mean? Yes, nothing.
Irritates formalism and banalism and some phrases when, for example, a mother who has lost a child is told: “You are young - you will still give birth”, “Why are you killing yourself over him, you still have two children”. A feeling person, probably, understands everything anyway and will not say such a thing if he is not completely at a loss.
How to choose the right words when you sympathize with a person experiencing grief?
- If we want to support a person, then rather, we need to say that “we love you”, “we hug you”, “we are with you”, “we are there, and if you need something, then we are always ready to help ". That is, we need, on the one hand, simpler, and on the other hand, more supportive words.
Maybe it's better not to touch a person and not talk about his grief?
“Sometimes a person makes it very clear that he wants to be alone. And in such a situation, when he asked for it, he needs to be given this opportunity - to be alone. You can tell him that if something is needed, then you are nearby, let him call - and you will come.
It is wrong to think that by raising this topic with a person, you will once again remind about it and cause additional suffering. A grieving person cannot be reminded of the death of a loved one; he already spends 100% of his time thinking about it. He did not forget about this and would be grateful to the person who would share these thoughts and memories with him and give him the opportunity to talk. On the contrary, the conversation will bring relief.
How to understand that a person wants to talk about his grief?
- People almost always respond to a conversation about the deceased. This topic occupies 100% of thoughts, attention and memory. Therefore, if we want to talk to a person, then we need to talk about the deceased. You can remember something together, look at photos, you don’t need to think that this will increase the pain. A person is already experiencing grief, and, rather, on the contrary, memories of the departed, photographs will bring him relief.
Is it worth saying "don't cry" when a person cries?
- Saying "don't cry", of course, is inappropriate. “Do not cry” is just that very concern not for the person who is grieving, but for yourself. It is sometimes very difficult for us to endure other people's strong emotions, it is very difficult to see someone else's hysteria, hear someone else's sobs, and in order to make it easier for ourselves to perceive, we say to another: “don't cry”, “calm down”, “don't scream like that”, “well, why are you so ". On the contrary, a person should be given the opportunity to cry and speak. In the first minutes when a person learns about the death of a loved one, there is often a very sharp reaction: tantrums and screams, people faint. But any reaction in such a situation is normal, although it may be difficult to bear for others. This must be understood, and a person must be given the opportunity to react the way he reacts.
When a child is lost in a family, both women and men cry. Although in our society, the manifestation of feelings in men, unfortunately, is still considered a weakness, and therefore they often try to hold on and show their grief less in public. In fact, to show emotions in such a situation is normal. Those who hold back and experience everything inside can experience somatic diseases, exacerbations of chronic diseases, and failure of the cardiovascular system.
Should you offer a grieving person food or drink water?
- Any effective care has the right to exist. People in grief forget about themselves, and their strength leaves very quickly. They forget to drink, eat, sleep. And it’s true, it’s very important that there is a person nearby who would follow such things: regularly offer food, make sure that the person at least drinks.
Should you offer money to help?
Each person offers whatever help they can offer. After the tragedy in Kemerovo, many people want to help with money: gigantic sums have been collected by the Red Cross, the diocese, the administration of Kemerovo ... True, people often want to help with money, and for some this is the only way to help.
What to do if a loved one, because of grief, has become isolated and does not want to communicate?
It all depends on how long ago the loss happened. Grief is a process that involves a person going through several stages.
First, rejection and denial: when a person does not believe that this could happen.
Then he nevertheless realizes the irreversibility of this loss, and he becomes angry about this: how is it, why did this happen to me. A person can look for the guilty - in the event of a catastrophe, look for them among those involved in it, in case of illness - look for the culprits among the doctors. That is, it is important for him to find the culprit, to unleash evil on him, to demand retribution for what happened.
He may feel guilty for what happened, for not doing something or doing something at the wrong time. There may be some kind of irrational guilt: “why did I let him go there”, “how could I not feel that this would happen to him”, “how could I live in peace when this happened to them”.
When these acute feelings pass a little, the stage of depression can come. And indeed, then the person becomes isolated and does not want to communicate with anyone. This is also one of the stages of grief, and this is normal at some stage. But there must be someone who is nearby and offers help.
If you see that your loved one is not coping and the condition is not improving, then the only right decision is to contact a specialist. It could be a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Turning to a psychiatrist in such a situation is normal, do not be afraid of this word.
Does a person who has lost someone during a catastrophe accept the words of sympathy?
- Certainly. Even if it seems that he is so in his grief that he does not hear or see anything, in fact this is not so. And at this moment support is very important. Warm words are important, that “we are near”, that “we love you”, that “we are here, and you can contact us”. It is also important to take care of the physical condition of a person. It is necessary that there is someone who monitors whether a person drinks water, eats or periodically measures his pressure.
How can you help yourself deal with loss?
It is difficult to give general recommendations. But you have to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling right now. All the emotions that you experience have a right to exist. In this state, you can experience a variety of feelings: anger, guilt, and despair ... We need all these feelings in order to overcome grief and return to life.
You need to understand that grief is a process. Realize that someday, one day, at least for one second, you will suddenly feel better, then for two seconds, and every day your condition will improve.
It is believed that the most difficult period after the loss lasts a year. When you have already met all the holidays without a loved one, when you remember what you did together. But gradually a person learns to live without his loved one, he finds some new meanings in life, makes new plans, new people appear on the path of life and even, maybe, new relationships. Gradually, you realize that grief has become less black and addictive, and you remember your loved one with warmth and love. This, probably, is the moment that in psychology is called "acceptance".
To help yourself cope with grief, you need to find some meaning in order to live on. This meaning may be in the person who left: you can realize some of his desires that he did not have time to do, and do it in memory of him.
